Just call me the worm...

Let me explain. If you think I have it all together then you are COMPLETELY wrong! In short, I have issues. I know that you're probably saying that we all do, but I have battled one particular issue of pride, narcissm - whatever you want to call it - at different points in my life. I thought the last time I dealt with it that I had learned my lesson because it was so difficult to go through, but I apparently haven't. I still believe that everything is about me.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is faithful, holy and trustworthy. So why can't I have faith and trust Him? Beth Moore calls this the point where our theology and reality meet. In all of my 30 some odd years of life I've seen the Lord work in our lives time and time again. He has always been faithful and never let us down no matter what...whether it is provision in finances or ministry challenges or family issues - He has ALWAYS come through. Why can't I trust Him in something as easy for Him as selling a house? I believe the Lord perfectly orchestrated every last little detail of leading us back to our wonderful church family at Clearview. I guess that I thought that since all of that fell so perfectly together that this would be the final piece of the puzzle, but here we sit almost 9 months with our house on the market.

We thought we were close this past Sunday afternoon and then found out Monday that it wasn't going to happen and I responded so horribly. I always try to teach my kids that we can't control how things happen...the only thing we can control is our reaction to those things and then I can't do it right myself! I had my pity party all day Monday and drug some people down in the pit with me. Tuesday morning I became mad at myself and how I reacted so incorrectly. Don't you see? It's still about me...my pity party, woe is me, I can't react the right way, woe is me...me me me!

Wednesday morning came the still small voice of the Lord (while I was in the shower of all places). I confessed my lack of composure and how poorly I handled myself since Monday and asked for the Lord's forgiveness. I talked to my dear hubby about it and told him what a wretch I am so he jokingly called me a worm.

There is a hymn I sang growing up called "At the Cross" and the first verse said:

Alas! and did my Savior bleed

And did my Sov’reign die?

Would He devote that sacred head

For such a worm as I?

Over the years in our churches we watered down the words and eventually changed the last line of the lyric to "for sinners such as I". Yes, I'm a sinner, but it doesn't seem harsh enough after the way I've been acting like a spoiled brat. I'm a wretch...a worm...a narcissistic worm! But praise God that in His love and grace I'm blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed and forgiven...I'm believing God!!! (Thank you Beth Moore for teaching me that Monday night in Bible study!!)

Just so you know...I'm no longer really praying for my house to sell. I'm praying for God to open my eyes, ears and heart to what He would be teaching me through this process. Lord, help my unbelief!

Signed,

The worm (that is redeemed and forgiven!)