Vicarious Living

I have two children and they are both boys. I'm naturally a boy mom with my love for sports, but I've never been a natural athlete. In fact, I was always a choir geek (I guess I still am) because I was gifted musically and have a natural love for music. I thought that I was more secure in those facts about myself at 38 years old. I thought that I had moved past the "shame" of being picked last when teams were picked many years ago until yesterday afternoon.

Both of my sons asked to play fall baseball. I was fine with this because fall ball is more laid back and not quite as intense with as much pressure. My oldest (J) has played both fall and spring baseball before, but it has been a year since he has played anything since he opted for karate last school year. This is the first time for my youngest (C) to play any type of organized sports. J is usually the smallest in his class or on his team and C is usually the biggest. I can tell already that C has some natural athleticism, but J has to work a little harder.

Now, back to yesterday afternoon - J had his first baseball practice of the season. Once again, he was the smallest kid out there on the field at practice. He doesn't seem to notice that as much as I do. As practice progressed and they were working on different drills at different stations I noticed that the other boys seem to be much further along than J with hitting, catching and general baseball skills. He doesn't seem to notice that as much as I do.

I found myself commenting numerous times to my husband as we watched, "He needs to work on that more". Finally, after the third or fourth time of saying that my husband looked at me and said, "It's ok. He is doing fine." As soon as I heard that come out of his mouth it was as if I went back in time at that moment. I started having those feelings of inadequacy and failure that I used to have during P.E. in middle school. I mentioned that to my husband and he said that I shouldn't live vicariously through my child. I argued that I just wanted our children to succeed and I didn't want them to ever be in last place. In his merciful way he said that he understood, but I just needed to keep it in check.

He was right (he's right a lot I might add). That night as I was having my time with God I realized just how right he was. It's the Lord's kindness that leads us to repentance and that afternoon the Lord used my hubby's kindness toward me to lead me to repentance. I'm very competitive which has been passed down to my children...especially my oldest. I need to practice what I preach as I have been trying to talk to J about how we respond to things, how not everyone is great at everything and how it's much more important to be a good loser because people watch how we handle that and we can be a witness for Christ in our responses. Yikes!

I also realized during this time that I had become exactly what I hated about spring baseball. I had become one of "those parents". I was wanting to push my child into something that he's not. He might get better as he practices, but if he's never an MVP of a baseball game or never makes all stars, it's ok. My husband asked him after practice if he had fun and he said that he did. That's what matters and I needed to be reminded of that. He will also learn some life lessons through being on a team like that and that is also important.

God, help me to be a better parent that seeks You in all that I do so that I model Christ to my children. I pray that I walk worthy of my calling and that if my children look up to me that I will be the woman of God that I need to be. Oh yeah and last but not least, thank You for Your kindness that leads us to repentance, how you sometimes use people to do that and for my precious husband - although not perfect - seeks Christ first.